Leading up to Christmas is one of my favourite times of the year. I love to decorate my apartment, bake goodies, and pick out presents for friends and family. But each year, when the actual day comes, the aftermath always leaves me feeling the opposite of the emotions entering in: even when surrounded by family and friends, I somehow always am left feeling just that much more alone. When you are surrounded by those who are in love love, and not just the love that comes from your family (as great as that is), it is yet another thing making it so painfully obvious that you haven’t found it.
Maybe it’s because it’s the end of the year and the resolutions near, but when I am around those who have found that sort of love, I can’t help but to analyze myself to determine why I have not. Why have I been so unsuccessful in this search?
I would love to chalk it up to not meeting the right guy, but I don’t even know if that’s the case anymore. I have met, and dated, some amazing men this past year, and I can’t help but to feel that the underlying reasons why none of them worked out has been mostly me. I feel like I am doing this so very wrong, and I don’t know how to do it right. Is there a right? There has to be some sort of secret that I’m missing out on. Something that all these other people around me have figured out, and along the way have left me in the dark.
I will let you in on a secret: I am terrible at dating. Okay, so that’s not completely true, I’m good at the first initial dates, but after that, when I really start to like someone, is when I completely fall apart. I think I really need to spell out where I go wrong to myself in order to stop these bad habits once and for all. So here we go, here is where I think I completely sabotage any potential relationships:
1. I text way too much
I am attached to my phone, and am way too available. If you send me a text message, there is a 99.9% chance I will read it within 10 minutes. If I really like you, there is a 99.9% chance I text you back within those 10 minutes. The only time I won’t is if I am consciously trying to play cool and wait to text you back. Or, I am in meetings at work. The hardest part about this is it gives off this impression that I am a loser with nothing going on in my life but texting you. Truthfully, I am insanely busy, but I will never be too busy for a cute boy. I have spent a good solid year on my own, having me time, and truthfully, I am bored of just me and would like to have a partner in crime.
2. I hate being ignored
It’s an ego thing. If someone ignores my texts, or take days to reply, I get extremely frustrated. This then causes me to send 1 or 2 more text messages, which I immediately regret. I then feel like a stalker, and have to try and play it cool ten fold just to make up for how much of a stalker I feel like. If a week passes and I still haven’t heard from you, there is a good chance I have actually taken the extent to delete you from my phone just to prevent myself from texting you (or worse, drunk texting you). Yeah. Crazy right? I don’t know how to stop getting so frustrated.
3. I’m difficult when drinking
When I have had a few beers, and am feeling buzzed, I will want to see you and will want to kiss you. I will also either text or call you to tell you this. If I am ignored like above, I will get grumpy and there is a high likelihood that I will get angry or frustrated. It’s stubborn, and bratty, but a mindset that feels out of my control. I can get ready in less than 30 minutes, wear little makeup, and play sports with boys, but when it comes to wanting to be around a boy I like, I am extremely high maintenance and demanding. The problem is even though it is a huge huge compliment, most boys don’t seem to be to keen on this. I don’t blame them.
4. I am overanalytical
Have you read this post? Have you read this blog? I analyze my actions as well as others, and how they may be perceived, over and over again until the point where I drive myself crazy. This will usually only come into play when I am ignored, and I will start to go through the various things that I did that would make someone ignore me. Which leads me to the next most obvious point…
5. I’m insecure
Isn’t that really what all the previous four points come down to? I have said over and over how I am securely insecure, or insecurely secure, and I flop back and forth between the two continuously. I am secure with my job, my friends, my apartment, my social life, my looks, even when I am actually in a relationship. I am perfectly okay with boyfriends having alone time, or hanging out with the guys/girls (and actually prefer it), but it’s the beginning stages where I am so insecure. The strange part is I’m not even insecure about whether or not a guy likes me, I think I’m pretty good at that part. It’s once they like me that I start to freak out about committing myself to one person, I start to overanalyze, I start to change my behaviour. Once I know I am liked by a boy, and that I like him a lot too, things start to crumble. I start to crumble. Is it self sabotage? Am I afraid for a boy to get to know the real me? Am I afraid to fall out of my daily patterns and routine, one that is based solely around myself?
I know I won’t be able to change these things overnight, and some I may never be able to change. I can keep hoping that someone will come along and not let these things interfere, someone that will see past it all and will love me regardless… but is that realistic? Isn’t the whole beginning part of dating one big game, where one false move you’re out? Am I giving boys too many reasons to not fall in love with me, that overshadow the reasons why they could?
Good god, I need to chill out.